If it would have shown up as something bigger and abnormal, they would have seen it and told me. Its the walking out with it that I just cannot bring myself to do. Ronan. I was told I was in fact not having a mid life crisis, that everything I am feeling is just due to losing you which I of course already knew, but it was nice to hear it from a rational person. I inhaled it, hoping for it to smell like you. I miss you. Youre doing too much.. She could not believe it. It was nice to be among the living for a few hours. I wake up to the fucking sunlight obnoxiously screaming in my face. Im a mom. Ronan, do you want to know the one question I get asked, all the time? I put down the blanket that you died on and on top of that I set out all of your favorite things. Star became known to a wider audience as contestant on the CBS reality TV show Rock Star: Supernova in 2006. In a room full of scientists, doctors, researchers.. all there for pediatric cancer. Sometimes it makes me cry, sometimes it makes me smile, it always makes me miss you with everything that I am. How could my totally healthy, beautiful baby boy be so healthy, and then have fucking stage 4 cancer just like that? Eventually, reality always comes back and smacks me in the face though. Because that would have been totally acceptable! 4 boys but there should have been 6. I miss you. Especially not in this day and age when kids die from cancer, due to lack of funding alone. The sweet lady told me it was. Not one second. I am about to have this baby girl and also your 2 years since you died is right around the corner. Ronan is not going to let anything happen to you. That phone call that has had me down on my knees every day and night, begging and screaming to you to please DO NOT LET THIS BE STAGE IV FUCKING BULLSHIT CANCER AGAIN. A couple of things dawned on me tonight after I dropped by dinner to your Mr. Sparkly Eyes. I love you, Ro. Starting from before you diagnoses to the months after. I just want this to all be a dream and to wake up now. I told him they were my favorite boots ever. Macy. My days are mostly spent taking care of her while continuing to fight for you and all that was stolen from us. Im o.k. Ive been trying to get us all ready for our second Christmas, without you. It was an emergency last night. You have nothing to be sorry for.. I felt like I had the wind knocked out of me. Its the Who is Mr. Sparkly Eyes. A lot of you, ask that in my comments. I had my hand on my keyboard to skip it, but I told myself that today, I would listen to it. We went out to dinner tonight to one of our favorite restaurants, Tarbells. Once again, I am so grateful and humbled by the kindness of strangers. Even a 45 minute car ride. As always, I am thankful for you and that I am your mama. Its taken a lot of work to get us to go on in our day to day lives, together, as a family, with such a huge void that never goes away. Stop making everything so much more complicated than it really is. Goodnight, mommy. You dont. I should know more, soon. I hope you have a great day today filled with all of the simple things that matter. Complainers are everywhere. I opened the card and it was from some girls that live in our neighborhood. I was in the hospital and I had this baby of ours. The ones in life that make you think about things from every different angle and dont want you just to take the easy way out. We are truly grateful to have him on our side. I am not taking your day and turning it into something fucking pretty, happy, light, and filled with angels from above. I remember the sight of that, made me so happy, that I snapped a picture of it. Crazy workouts. Its all I can do just to survive it. We WILL get to the White House to make them fight harder for our kids who are dealing with cancer. It is being worked on and will be re launched soon as we also have a new foundation logo to unveil. We Have a NewHome! Sometimes not. I sat today and tried to be productive. Your daddy and brothers will be waiting for me so excited at the airport. Those moments mean so much to me. Its been a few days since Ive really cried and I guess Ive been holding a lot in by distracting myself and being so busy. I day dream of leaving this fucking life behind because sometimes my sadness is just too heavy and too much. The world of childhood cancer deserves so much more. How can it already be 2 years since you left this earth? #cryingallday. No trace of black oblivion coma, existed. Ill keep you posted on when things are ready. By making the one dearest to my heart, o.k. Peach Pie, Apple Pie, Cherry Pie yes please. Proof that you are still here, taking care of me, the best way that you can. My little hometown showed some major RoLove today. Best news ever. Tonight a big dose of reality is waiting for me as I step off this plane. The song finished. I dont have a clue as to how I am going to feel, once she arrives. And I keep reminding your daddy that yes, that is right, but it is also because you thought you were going to be here to help take care of him or her and be the best big brother ever. Early life. The days are lost for me. This means no computer time, only a little time is spent posting the never ending cute little Poppy pics on Instagram as my way of trying to keep up with all of your lovies out there. Actually a lot out of my comfort zone. Ive been a fucking mess, but hiding it pretty well. My face seems to be constantly wet these days. Everything hurts. There were sooooo many happy people, everywhere. I needed the blackness of the night that only exists due to this little frienemy of mine. I love that. Nothing helps. Thanks for not listening, or caring in my opinion. I fucking hate 2 a.m. 2 a.m. blows. I told you that. When I'm not writing to you on the blog, I feel like a bad mom to you. For that, they will forever be my sisters. I am truly thankful for all of you. She of course made a ninja plan to help me tomorrow, go and find it. I know what I've been doing. That is actually a big fat lie. Where once there were homesand farms there was now a sea of mud, a grave for the dead where the men still live and fought. I only wish it were your body wearing it. Fernanda came up with the brilliant idea to find an actual mannequin and dress him up like Captain Rex to look like he is playing next to the tree. I hope you are safe. Nobody was there. They kept coming in to check on me. I woke up to a quiet house. I woke up around midnight, your daddy still gone. Everything seems heightened to the max. This is why it is so important to me, the people we surround ourselves with and the life we choose to live. You were supposed to be with me, for the rest of MY life. I miss him when we are away so much. He always knows best. I talked to you in my head the way I always do when I need you to work your little Ronan magic. I am kind of all out of ideas for boy first names, but we know it of course has to be Irish. All of my friends are. I am thankful for the friends that are like family who will help us get through the day. Im full fledged in the middle of writing this book. Those are you are so fucking lucky. So shut up, suck it up, and be grateful. It was the first time that the 9th wasnt completely gut wrenchingfor me. Meat is still my enemy. Marisa. The biggest reason of all. Who am I kidding? Its late now. I sat in my bed for a couple of days and pondered life and death. I so badly wish you were here. Thats all I needed to hear. I ended up throwing up in the bathroom. Dont get me wrong, I am grateful for the opportunity, but its still very difficult. I dont like when I have to stay cooped up all day, not running around doing 50 million things. Alright little man. Not cancer) which you know I am always thankful for. Maya! I am sorry. Instead, I grabbed Rachel and took her with me. As long as you are the reason I am going, to keep things moving forward with your foundation, your memory, and your spirit I know great things will come from this trip. Sweet dreams. I am trying my best. They just handed me over a key, and voila! So, where to start? How stopping will make me want to run up my mountain 8 months pregnant and not come back down. Did I forget to mention the fact that I know your sister is going to be extra spicy, just like you? Only my Dr. Bronner Magic Soap that I am obsessed with could have gotten me into that store and I was totally out, otherwise I would have aborted mission. We sat for a while longer and caught up. It was my best Thanksgiving, ever. How much more blood needs to be shed? I talked with her a bit about how I really didnt want to get it. I am so tired of this life without you. I am heartbroken at the way our cancer kids are just brushed aside as if they are a dirty little secret. I know we talked about it, but I dont remember all the things you told me. Dr. Schwartz calmly talked about when she could induce me and told me that she would not let me go to my due date because she knows the fear I have. But I am not doing this the nice way. https://kjzz.org/content/1737378/you-were-my-best-4-years-scottsdale-mom-reflects-taylor-swifts-rerelease-ronan?fbclid=IwAR0enkIGpunEZ1qheo1ngCebWs7VHK59S0wR3YE7pVWlQJaviWYlMFquNSk. THANK YOU. I hope you are safe. I love that man and the concert was unreal. Alright little man. I was not going to mention to him, how I had been crying most of the day but apparently my bloodshot eyes were not cooperating. Me: Do you think Ill ever stop being so sad?, Him: Darling. I have a bunch of families that I will be thinking of, not just our own. Thank you, Amy for hooking this up. From somebody named Tree. Fernanda came by the clinic and dropped me off a coffee (which I proceeded to knock over and spill) She called that, good luck. To bond. As we drove to our hotel, I spent the majority of the car ride, quite, with tears streaming down my face. My brain/emotions are fried. It was around 10, that I heard them both crawl into bed with me. Mawahahahahaha. I have the best doctor I know in Omaha at the ER waiting for you. I love you. I promise I wont give up until our RoLove, changes the world. So typical. I told your brothers. Dr. Sholler was not expecting it, but she smiled and seemed o.k. It was bound to happen sooner or later. Having my own space without your little empty bedroom 10 feet away from where I am working is going to save me. Either way, I dont see myself leaving it anytime soon. with that. Happy and fancy. Well, 3 actually but Im only going to talk about 2. They had spent the last 4 days, selling cake pops and had made about $73 dollars. I do these things for you. I told her the awful dream I had about you and how my memory of you was completely gone. I miss you. It was a good way to start the day, if anything. It was no use. Reply. My shot didnt hurt for me today. A mother doesnt survive something like this. I had Quinn call your Nana. Mostly my day was filled with my tears that seemed never-ending. I opened a letter from someone saying how they had heard your story, wanted to help, but they only had 1 dollar. She told me she was sorry about you. She looked at me and said, How are you not so overwhelmed?! I gave in after trying everything to go to sleep last night, and popped my old friend, Ambien. Mothers Day is hard enough now, butthe fact thatit falls on what should have been your 6th birthday is just beyond anything I am capable of handling. I had visions of organizing a protest outside the White House. How could it be with your sweet sister snuggled up to me? The house was dark and our kitchen table was empty. I dont think I moved for the next 24 hours. Just when I have been struggling on a little side project the past few days. You know how important it is to me, not to spend the money that people are donating on administration stuff. I let my body break down like it has been wanting to do. A productive trip. She needs a break and this trip is just what the doctor ordered. I lived in this world. It all started with the meeting of a lady who is such a badass in the cancer world, that Darth Vader would be scared of her. Nobody in that restaurant, had a dead almost 4-year-old. After I left there, my phone rang. My list came in my mind later as I named off a few things, but really just thanked him for being such a dear friend. I will never stop fighting for all that was taken away from you. And no. Do you think there will ever come a time when Christmas lights wont be blurry from mytears? Of course Im cutting it close with not being able to fly due to being so far along in my pregnancy, but Im cutting it just close enough that I will make it. I wonder how comethe wholewide world doesnt feel this way, too. Depth. Not crying. I wish I could tell you it tasted as amazing as I remembered it with you, but of course it didnt. So funny. I gave in after trying everything to go to sleep last night, and popped my old friend, Ambien. . Bobby Eugene Nutt [1] (April 3, 1951 - June 8, 2017), better known by his ring name Ron Starr, was an American professional wrestler. Ronan. My days feel so sad and lonely without you here, and with me, being stuck at home because I am literally too tired to function. This makes me mad and sad and I want to scream from the rooftops how unfair this all is because I know you would have grown up to do such amazing things in this world. Dr. Schwartz asked how I was feeling. You know what I told him today? Fernanda. I am tired of being tired and Im going to fight through this as hard as I can. To say I am beyond disappointed, is an understatement. Lots to do but all I really want to do is be busy taking care of you. I remember last year, I couldnt even pack my suitcase. I called your Sparkly up. It felt like it today. All I did was try to get in a few runs before the big event so I could actually try to make it around the lake without having to be pushed in a wheel barrel. We are almost totally off caffeine) It is the most beautiful building and it even has a basketball court which your brothers are so excited for! I died when you died. the ideas would not stop flowing. I spent the rest of the morning calling and texting our closest peeps. Are you home now?, Me: No. Tears of both happiness and sadness. Im not doing this to be hurtful or mean. I am doing all I can on this end, to help spread the awareness. Its starting to annoy me. Our sad little house that leaves makes my skin crawl during the day because I miss you so much. They thought it was pretty cool. Maybe, but its the only way I feel like I can survive. I forget to write about 23 months without you. We very much needed a pow wow session. Its so funny to me how the medical community are just not big huggers. I love you. I emailed her and told her I was there and that I wish had been there, speaking. When Im not writing to you on the blog, I feel like a bad mom to you. Hearing those words from her meant a lot to me. A big city is not where we need to be right now. This year, I know the things in my life that I will be thankful for and my list wont include stupid black friday. I was like a wild animal out of control. He told me to please go and get it done. I love you. Of course I said yes and that is pretty much all I did. Tomorrow, I will bake with Macy. We are home now. Soon, my head was filled with thoughts that I couldnt control. I guess it was good that I had a fairly quiet week because I am going to need to find my energy for this weekend. I went to our meeting, did my best to formulate my thoughts with this heavy fog that was hanging over my head (tiredness or so I thought), came home 4 hours later (meeting very productive) crawled into bed and by that time, every inch of my body was aching. I love you, Ronan. I nodded my head and walked off repeating the words over and over again, Its going to be alright, its going to be alright.. I tried to call your daddy. So I shoved the phone away and rocked myself as I sob and cry and cry. Why are you laughing. I think you would have liked the name. She told me that she knows that this is a gift from you. We sat and caught up. on Its 3:25 a.m.? I am not perfect. We went to dinner in this big city last night. She sent me a picture of it today. I did my best to soak up everything that was being said. It started Wednesday night. A little sorry were really not sorry light bulb changing is not going to stop me from trying every year, to get this to finally happen.
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